I apologize ahead of time for this entry. It is going to be a bit of venting and a bit of poking fun at the expense of stupid and or lazy people. I believe the emergency room no longer deserves the title of "emergency room". It should be called the "convenience room." Twenty years ago people only came to the ER if they were either dying, hemorrhaging, or had a limb or appendage severed. This is not the case in today's world. The medical governing bodies, whoever they may be, harp on us for not getting patients in and out of the ER in a timely matter. That is because they are overcrowded by non-emergent riffraff. I've only been doing emergency medicine for four weeks but I have come to loathe these types of patients. I hate picking up a chart and seeing that they are here for an injury that occured 6 years ago. Someone needs to reevaluate the system. I have compiled a list of the top ten reasons for visiting Mercy's ER.

10)A cat scratch
9) A change in mental status but only if you are 93 and have end stage parkinsons.
8) Two mosquito bites.
7) A physical to get into the salvation army's work program. The catch is that you must have just smoked crack before you walk in.
6) "Accidentally" spraying bath and body works inside your vagina.
5) You lost your perscription for vicodin, percocet, morphine, oxycontin, and heroin the minute you walked out the ER door yesterday.
4) An invisible rash that clearly is all over your arms, feet, back and face.
3) You keep thinking that someone is constantly pulling on your "wiener".
2) Unresponsive but you have to be terminally ill, 95 years old, and have a DNR.
1) Chronic back pain for 20 years.

These are all actual chief complaints that I have seen in the ER. A few side notes about those patients, #8 called an ambulance to bring her to the ER to be seen, #6 actually had herpes, and #3 was pulling on his own wiener and didnt know it. Gotta love people.